mukund shyam

A couple of days ago, a lot of people in my school found out that I do this stuff (gestures broadly) in my free time.

I wasn’t exactly happy about it, though. For some reason, I was really worried about people I know (in real life, that is), finding about my content.

I didn’t really know why, and that’s what I want to talk about today.

The Problem

For the longest time, I’ve been a little bit worried about people I know (in real life) and interact with on a day-to-day basis finding out about this stuff (that is, the YouTube channel, the blog, the music etc).

I didn’t really know what the feelings associated with that are. I’m not really ashamed of the work I’m doing; most of the time, I’m quite proud of the things I release. I don’t think that my classmates “won’t understand” or something; I actually think they’re more likely to understand than most.

So, I didn’t really know where this feeling arises.

It has had a very obvious knock-on effect on my content, though. For one, I used to be very aware about whether people could figure out that the blog was written by me. I hid my identity, and I wrote in a way that was as ambiguous and impersonal as possible… which was probably not the best decision, at least in terms of being creative and sharing my story.

I was also very ashamed to share it with other people, whether this “other people” was family or friends. I wasn’t very willing to send the link to this blog to my friends and family, much less ask them to circulate it in their groups.

I did, of course, send the link one time to my class Hangouts group (throwback), but I tried to make it as unassuming as possible. I didn’t want to draw attention to it! I suppose I just wanted to convince myself that I actually did send it to the people, and I wasn’t scared of them finding out (even though I was).

The Explanation

Upon further reflection, I realised that the main cause for this is the fact that I never like anything I make after I release it.

Let me explain.

Whenever I create something (whether that’s a cover, a song, a blog post, or something else), I’m usually pretty happy with what I’ve made! I’m proud of the effort I’ve put in, and (most of the time), I like the output!

The thing is, the instant I release what I’ve made, I find a ton of bits and pieces that could be improved upon. It’s mostly nitpicky, but all of it adds up and I realise how much better my creation could have been.

I’m also often affected by imposter syndrome, especially when it comes to anything that involves me teaching things or giving my opinion on something. Basically, I don’t really understand why people would want to hear what I think about a piece of tech, for example. I also often don’t feel “qualified” enough to teach anyone about anything (even though I’m probably more well-versed in something like music production than the average person).

The Solution*

I don’t really know what it is, to be honest, and I don’t really know if there needs to be one anyway.

The thing is, the fact that I’m able to figure out what’s going wrong in my creations is a good thing, at the end of the day. That’s what helps me improve, one creation at a time.

People often say that if you find a version of you from the past cringe, you’ve developed as a person. I suppose the same is true when it comes to making things (whether it’s music, art, blogs, or anything else). If you find an old creation unsatisfactory, you’ve improved!

That’s all for this week! Thank you so much for reading!